| Author | Message | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Advanced Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2419 Registered: 12-2003 |
Battements Her name is Katrina, as if the storm itself contains beauty. The sea and wind, legs and arms in pirouette, one pique reminds inside her satin slippers her toes rest on blocks of wood. She leaves splinters in her wake, a soggy teddy bear small debris among broken buildings and uprooted lives. Following her ballet d'action there is looting, gunfire, and rape, as if her wet anger is not spent. She reminds that nature breaks what does not bend. (Message edited by kathy on September 03, 2005) (Message edited by kathy on September 03, 2005) | ||
| Teresa White
New member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 10 Registered: 01-2005 |
Hello Kathy, As a student of ballet for ten years in my youth, I really enjoyed your extended metaphor using ballet terminology. The poem feels "finished" to me, though I might punctuate differently and abbreviate your last stanza. Here's what your poem looks like with my suggestions: Battements Her name is Katrina, as if the storm itself contains beauty. The sea and wind, legs and arms in pirouette, one pique reminds inside her satin slippers. Her toes rest on blocks of wood; she leaves splinters in her wake: a soggy teddy bear, small debris among broken buildings and uprooted lives. Following her ballet d'action there is looting, gunfire, and rape, as if her wet anger is not spent-- nature breaks what does not bend. Thanks, Teresa | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 5118 Registered: 11-1998 |
I like the suggestions that Teresa has given you, Kathy. You did quite well connecting Katrina to dance. The only thing I might consider changing is one word in this line: "a soggy teddy bear," I might consider changing "soggy" to "sodden" -- it means the same thing, but sodden matches the broken that's coming up in the next line. Not a rhyme, but a nice sound match. | ||
| Penelope
Valued Member Username: penelope Post Number: 136 Registered: 07-2005 |
Kathy, what a beautiful job with the extended met aphor. I didn't understand Teresa's change in the punctuation of: The sea and wind, legs and arms in pirouette, one pique reminds inside her satin slippers her toes rest on blocks of wood. Your original punctuation is the only one that makes grammatical sense to me and, while Teresa's other punctuation suggestions are valid, I think they tend to clutter the poem. I do like the shortened last line and M's suggestion for "sodden" instead of "soggy." Penelope | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Advanced Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2422 Registered: 12-2003 |
Teresa, M, Penelope, thank you all for your suggestions. I have revised.  K | ||
| E V Brooks
Advanced Member Username: lia Post Number: 1272 Registered: 12-2003 |
Wonderful writing Kathy.. especially S2 for me. I also like the sound of sodden/broken, as suggested. A fine read, thanks. lia | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1212 Registered: 11-2003 |
it's so hard to write skillfully about events as they happen and you have done this masterfully here kudos laurie | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Advanced Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2435 Registered: 12-2003 |
Lia, thanks. Laurie, thank you also. K |
